Tale to Tell
by TBBT78
Summary: Leonard discovers Penny's secret behind which lays the reason why she doesn't want to have children. WARNING: Contains spoilers for a forthcoming episode season 12 episode 12 (The Propagation Proposition). DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Big Bang Theory.


**A/N: This is a one-shot focusing on the reason behind Penny's apparent reluctance to start a family with Leonard. Warning if you don't like dark and angsty fics please look away now! Contains adult themes which some might find upsetting.**

 **WARNING: Contains spoilers for a forthcoming season 12 episode 12 (The Propagation Proposition).**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Big Bang Theory.**

* * *

' _ **I have a tale to tell. Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well.**_ **' Live To Tell, Madonna.**

Steering his car into the lot at Brookfield Park Leonard let out a sigh of relief. Several hours had passed since Penny had left the apartment whilst having lunch with their friends, telling them that she was going to the store for a bottle of wine she'd failed to return. Getting out of his car, he hurriedly approached the children's playground where he'd spotted his wife seated alone on a wrought iron bench.

"Penny, are you okay? Your phone was off... I've been looking for you all over," Leonard said, his face awash with relief. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I'm sorry," Penny answered, shrugging her shoulders apologetically. She seemed to be engrossed in watching a family of four and their dog play Frisbee on the nearby grass. "I just needed to be by myself for a while." she added.

After sending a text message to his friends letting them know that he'd found Penny, Leonard took a seat on the bench beside her. "You've had a rough of couple of weeks," he acknowledged, "Do you want to talk about it?"

On New Year's Day Penny had received some distressing news from her elder sister in Nebraska. Her nephew Noah had been involved in a motorcycle accident and although his condition was no longer life threatening, he was facing the prospect of months of rehabilitation and an uncertain future in so far as what had until then been a promising football career.

"I've decided to go home to Nebraska," Penny said, "Lisa needs me right now and I want to be there for her."

Leonard nodded his understanding. Although he'd never met Penny's sister or her son Noah who lived several hundred miles from Penny's family home in Omaha, he knew that they spoke frequently on the phone. "Okay, I'll come with you. Anyway I'm due some vacation time from work." he stated, he felt uneasy at the thought of her travelling alone while so upset.

Penny shifted nervously on the bench."Actually I think I should go by myself." she said.

By now the family game of Frisbee had descended into noisy chaos, with the two children bundling on top of their father while their dog barked and bounded about excitedly.

"This is because of what happened with Zack, isn't it?" Leonard began nervously. "Honey, I meant what I said the other night. I'm not going to do it," he added. In truth he still hadn't got over the shock of Penny's ex-husband Zack asking him to father a child with his new wife. "I feel really sorry for Zack that he can't have kids, but the whole idea was ridiculous."

"Was it?" Penny said quietly, "Because despite what you say, I reckon that there was a part of you that wanted to say yes to Zack."

Until recently Leonard had always envisaged that he and Penny would have children of their own. It had come as a shattering disappointment to find out that she didn't want to be a mother after all.

"Sweetie, I see the way your face lights up when you're around Halley and Neil," Penny continued. "It's obvious you love kids and you _want_ to be a father. It's only me that's stopping you."

With that Leonard's gaze dropped to the ground as he realised that here was no longer any sense in trying to deny it. "So, what now?" he whispered, sadly.

* * *

After driving home from the park, Leonard waited in the kitchen while Penny packed a suitcase for her trip and after a while he headed to the bedroom. Finding the door ajar, for a fleeting moment he was reminded of the day they'd first met. Recalling how he had seen a then twenty-one year old Penny in denim shorts and a t-shirt though the open door of apartment 4B on the day she had moved into the building.

"Are you leaving me?" he asked in a shaky voice. So far Penny hadn't given any indication as to when she planned to return home and he was beginning to wonder whether she might use her trip as an opportunity to finally quit her pharmaceutical sales job which he knew she'd come to loathe. "Is that what this is? You're walking out on me...on our marriage?"

"Of course I'm not leaving you," Penny replied as she folded the last sweater and placed it in the suitcase before closing the zip and setting it down on the floor. "Like I said my sister needs me."

"And yet you _don't_ want me to come with you and you _don't_ know when you'll back." Leonard persisted curtly.

It was as he followed Penny back into the lounge with her suitcase that something inside him snapped. The panic he'd felt earlier that day while out searching for her had given way to anger and frustration.

"You know what Penny I'm not going to let you leave until we've talked about this," Leonard said defiantly. "I admit I haven't been entirely honest with you. I never should have said that I was okay with us not having kids, but I don't think that you've been entirely honest with me either. All that stuff about not wanting to have a baby because it would change our great lives, well I'm sorry honey, but I just don't buy it."

"So what are you saying? That I'm a liar?" Penny cried in exasperation.

"No, I'm saying that I think there's some other reason why you don't want to have kids. Something you're afraid to tell me. I don't know maybe you just don't think that I would make a good enough father." Leonard concluded, sadly.

For Penny the suggestion that she believed that Leonard wouldn't be a good father to their children couldn't have been further from the truth. Reaching out, she brushed his cheek tenderly, sending a rush of electricity through his body.

"Leonard, you mustn't ever think that. Sweetie, I know you'd make the most wonderful father." she told him with tears in her eyes. "You're the most kind, loving, gentle man I've ever known..No, this is all on me."

"Then why Penny? What is it that you're not telling me?" Leonard demanded just as her cell phone began to ring. Her taxi to the airport had arrived.

"I...I can't.."

* * *

Ten minutes later with a heavy heart Leonard walked Penny downstairs to a waiting taxi and said goodbye. Feeling drained and defeated, he returned to the apartment, tossing his cell phone onto the coffee table, he flopped face down on the couch with the intention of staying there for the rest of the day.

"Leonard."

At first Leonard thought that he was hearing things, but upon opening his eyes saw Penny in the apartment doorway. With a tissue balled up in her right hand and her cheeks streaked with mascara, it was evident that she'd been crying.

"Penny, are you okay? I thought you were on the way to the airport." he exclaimed as he scrambled hurriedly to his feet.

Penny had only traveled as far as two blocks before instructing the taxi driver to turn around and take her back.

"I have something to tell you. This is really hard for me so I need you to promise me that you'll just let me get this out." Penny said in a strangled voice.

Leonard nodded, "Won't you at least sit down?" he asked, beckoning her over to the couch and at the same time resisting the urge to get up and pull her into his embrace.

"I don't think you'll want me anywhere near you after you hear what I have to say. In fact you'll probably hate me." Penny concluded.

"Penny, I could never hate you. I love you. I always have and I always will," Leonard said, tenderly. "Whatever it is that's got you so upset please know that you can tell me. We can work through it."

Inwardly terrified, Leonard waited patiently for his wife to regain sufficient composure to able to continue.

"You were right earlier about what you said, about there being another reason why I decided I didn't want us to have kids," Penny began, "The truth is that it scares the crap out of me." she confessed.

"Honey, I get it. It scares me too," Leonard said gently, "Do you remember when we were engaged and you told me how you were scared about us getting married? and I told you that I was scared too, only it didn't make me not want to do it, but to hold your hand and do it anyway? Well, maybe this is the same. Penny I've always thought you'd make a wonderful mom."

With that Penny broke down into tears once more, "You don't understand," she wept, covering her face with her hands. "I'm terrified because I've been there."

All at once Leonard felt as though he'd been hit by a truck. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" he stammered in disbelief, "That you've been pregnant before?"

Penny nodded.

Leonard was aware that Penny had had several pregnancy scares in the past. "How?..When? Was it that asshole Kurt?" he questioned.

"No..no I was only fourteen."

"Fourteen?"

Suddenly Penny turned and headed quickly toward the kitchen.

"Penny, please talk to me. I need to know what happened." Leonard pleaded as he followed her and then watched her open the cupboard, take out a bottle of vodka and pour a glass. With a shaky hand she took a gulp.

"He went to my school... he was two years older than me... When I told him that I was pregnant he didn't want to know...he accused me of being a slut that slept around," She recalled before downing the remaining vodka. "I couldn't face telling anyone, let alone my parents. I didn't know what to do..."

Reaching for Penny's hand across the kitchen island, Leonard held it tightly in his own, letting her know that he was there for her while encouraging her to continue with her story.

"And then one evening after cheer leading practice... I remember waiting until I thought that everyone had gone home and I climbed up the stairs of the spectator stand. When I got to the top I closed my eyes and then I just... fell."

With her eyes tightly shut Penny was reliving it, seeing her fourteen year old self tumbling over and over down the concrete steps of the stand and hearing the screams of her friend Christy Vanderbel who had witnessed her fall. "What kind of person would do something like that?" she said in a choked whisper.

For a while Leonard was speechless."Penny you were fourteen. You was still a child.. you must have been terrified," he said after finally finding his voice."You have to forgive yourself."

"Do I?" Penny said as she poured herself another sizeable measure of vodka before lifting the glass to her lips. "It's been more than eighteen years and I haven't been able to. Not even for a minute. I don't deserve to be a mother."

Leonard was almost too afraid to ask what had happened after, but before he could Penny began to speak. "Leonard, do you remember that night I came with you to the comic book store? When I said that I wanted to get a comic book for my nephew." She asked.

Leonard stared at his wife blankly. Although almost ten years had passed since then he remembered it well. That particular Thursday evening trip to the comic book store was firmly imprinted in his mind as much to his annoyance it had resulted in Stuart asking Penny on a date.

"Yeah, I do. You said it was for his thirteenth birthday." he answered, confused as to why ever Penny should bring it up now.

"I know I did. Only it wasn't his thirteenth birthday. Back then Noah was only nine."

For Leonard all along the conversation had had a surreal dreamlike quality and now was failing to make any kind of sense. "Penny honey I'm sorry I don't get why you're telling me this."

Helpless tears streamed down Penny's face as she spoke in what came out as a barely audible whisper, "Because Noah isn't my nephew. He's my son."


End file.
